Checking in is something we do all the time. It’s natural to think about other people’s preferences and make sure they’re comfortable and having a good time, whether we’re asking people how they want their coffee, if they’re warm enough, or if we’re in the way at a concert. For many reasons, though, this type of check-in isn’t something that we always think about doing when it comes to being sexual with someone. Because it’s not part of our idea of what sex looks like, many times we don’t stop to have that conversation about our preferences– maybe because we’re focused on getting where WE want to go, worried about seeming uncool or killing the mood, or not thinking about it at all.
Consent is something that should be ongoing and act-specific, but often people think this means you have to ask permission for every touch before you do it. This approach works but most people don’t act that way, and it’s easy to see how that could look more like two robots rather than an exchange of passion. People also have consensual sex every day without doing this, and still, know that they have their partner’s consent.
Instead, it can be helpful to think about consent as an ongoing conversation, and one that is embodied. Tuning in to your partner’s boundaries and reading their nonverbal cues is just as important as the verbal conversation. Consent is about respecting each other’s bodies and boundaries; an essential part of consent is slowing down to become aware of what our bodies are saying.
This article will outline information that can help you to navigate consent conversations with your partner(s). A good place to start this conversation is by recognizing that it’s not about a particular thing you might do; it’s about staying aware of how our boundaries and bodies feel. If we’re paying attention, asking questions when we’re not sure, and being respectful of the bodies and boundaries of everyone involved, then we’re tuned in and connected.
Sexual consent as an idea is something that has evolved over the years. In the 70s and 80s, the idea of “no means no” was pretty radical. This was important in challenging the stereotype that people (women especially) may say no when they mean yes, and so the focus was on respecting a “no.” In the 90s and 00s, the focus shifted to the idea that consent should be affirmative: “only yes means yes.” This shift helped to highlight the nonverbal and indirect ways someone can show a “no” without saying it, such as when they don’t feel safe or comfortable enough to say “no.”
Today, we also talk about how consent should be enthusiastic. Enthusiastic consent is the idea that consent continues beyond the initial “yes” and is shown by engagement and/or interest. It’s about checking in with your sexual partner and acknowledging their sexual and emotional signals. It’s also about recognizing that consent can’t be given where there is manipulation, pressure, threats, or when someone isn’t in the right state of mind.
Even though we call it “enthusiastic consent,” things don’t have to be exciting and high-energy: there needs to be obvious interest and attention. If that interest or attention isn’t obvious that’s where learning about our partner’s and our boundaries comes into play. Being engaged with our partners is how we make sure there’s enthusiastic consent as well as how we develop sexual and emotional trust and connection.
Asking questions and listening to your partner is always a good option, but there are a lot of other ways to read your partner and get a sense of how they’re feeling. Thinking about embodied consent can help you to recognize your own body and boundaries and what your partner’s body is saying about their boundaries.
Not into it: can include leaning away, crossing their arms, being tense, avoiding eye contact, not reciprocating, pushing away, trying to ignore or distract themselves
If you’re not sure if someone is “excited” nervous or “scared” nervous – for instance, they’re giggling or laughing – it’s important to talk things over to make sure they’re having a good time. Even just reminding them that you only want to do what they want to do and that you can stop at any time, can make your partner feel safer if they do want to have sex, or give space for them to let you know if they don’t want to.
Not into it: can include telling you they’re not interested, changing the topic, making an excuse, bargaining down
Into it: can include telling you they’re into it, asking questions about your preferences, giving hints
It can feel scary to ask someone what they want when it comes to sex, but the fact is that there’s no such thing as being “good at sex” in a universal sense. Everyone’s bodies and preferences are different, and we won’t know what’s good for the person we’re with unless we learn it from them. Some examples to get things started:
When you ask questions, it’s important to keep an eye out for all the nonverbal ways someone might respond. A “yes” when someone is looking away or looking nervous or upset is a cue to keep talking and hold off on more touching until you’re sure they’re ready.
Talking about what’s pleasurable for each partner and being open to the possibility of being rejected can feel awkward sometimes, but here are just a few reasons why introducing these ideas into your relationships can be a really great thing:
In general, it’s important to let go of the idea that sex is a simple conversation. Consent that is mutual and freely given, ongoing and act-specific, sober, and enthusiastic means staying open to our partner’s body and boundaries and asking questions. Embodied consent also means staying aware of our own body and boundaries to make sure we include our own needs in our considerations.
It’s necessary to check in with your partner, but it’s also important to recognize that they may not know what they want. Women, in particular, are often socialized not to be assertive, especially when it comes to sex. For many people, regardless of their age or experience, these types of conversations might be new to them. That isn’t to say that they haven’t been having consensual sex, but this kind of open communication and transparency might be unfamiliar.
It’s also important to recognize that a lot of people feel unable to say no before or during sex. There is a lot of pressure in our society to have sex, and there are many reasons why someone may go along with something they don’t want to do.
Media often sets the unrealistic expectation that you’ll see someone from across a room, click, and know what you both want.
In real life, we may have those cinematic moments at times, but more communication is usually needed. There’s a learning curve to knowing what someone likes and dislikes, and how their bodies work. Having that conversation is an important relationship skill, and can set the tone for a much more fulfilling sexual relationship. You can open things up for more honest conversations about what you both want and ultimately have much better sex by respecting each other’s bodies and boundaries. It can also be freeing to shift the focus to ensuring that all parties involved are having a good time, rather than on doing any one particular thing or reaching a specific goal.
The improper exposure of a child to any sexual contact, activity, or behaviour. This includes all sexual touching, the invitation to touch, exhibitionism, exposure to pornography.
Forcing another individual, through violence, threats (physical or emotional), pressure, deception, guilt, to engage in sexual activities against their will.
A voluntary agreement between 2 or more people to engage in sexual activity. Consent must be clear, informed, voluntary, sober, act and person-specific, ongoing, mutual, active, and come directly from the individuals engaging in the sexual contact. It is impossible to get consent from children, though close-in-age and peer-experimentation exceptions exist for youth ages 12-15.
A society or environment in which obtaining consent and respecting boundaries is the norm, for both sexual contact and everyday activities.
The advocacy of women’s rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes.
An intersectional approach to service delivery that acknowledges that the root of sexual violence is power inequality and works to reduce barriers that groups and individuals face when seeking support and volunteer or employment opportunities.
When an intimate photo or video is shared or taken without the voluntary consent (read consent definition above) of the person in the photo or video (Source: savedmonton.com)
Person-first language recognizes that a person is more than any one experience and that labels are sometimes harmful. People who have experienced sexual violence may use terms like victim or survivor to describe themselves, or they may use words like offender or perpetrator to describe the person who harmed them. Terms that resonate for one person may not fit for another person for a variety of reasons, and SACE supports a person’s right to self-determine their identity and experience. This is why at SACE, we default to person-first language such as “person who experienced sexual assault”, or “person who used abusive behavior”, unless speaking with or about an individual who has identified how they would like their experience to be talked about.
A society or environment whose prevailing social attitudes have the effect of normalizing or trivializing sexual assault and abuse.
Sex trafficking is a form of sexual exploitation. Human trafficking for the purposes of sexual exploitation is a crime and Canada has specific legislation in the Criminal Code (S. 279) and in the IRPA (Immigrant and Refugee Protection Action) (S. 117 & 118) to address all types of human trafficking (sexual exploitation, labour exploitation, organ, debt servitude) There are three elements to constitute human trafficking: Action + Means + Purpose.
Sexual abuse is most often used to refer to Child Sexual Abuse. To learn more about this, read the definition above or our section on Child Sexual Abuse.
Any form of sexual contact without voluntary consent, including unwanted: oral contact (kissing); sexual touching; oral-genital contact; and/or vaginal or anal penetration.
Any actual or attempted abuse of a position of vulnerability, differential power, or trust, for sexual purposes, including, but not limited to, profiting monetarily, socially or politically from the sexual exploitation of another.
Any unwanted comment, gesture, or action that is sexual in nature that makes someone feel afraid, embarrassed, uncomfortable or ashamed. The intention of the person doing the action doesn’t matter, it’s the negative impact the action has that makes something sexual harassment.
Sexual violence is an umbrella term that refers to any form of non-consensual sexual behavior, including sexual assault, sexual abuse, sexual harassment, sexual exploitation, sex trafficking, and sexual violence facilitated through technology.
